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Young Writers Society



Untitled

by Princess Prettie


Okay here's my story. My plot really hasn't come out yet, because it's barely even one chapter long, and I'm not completely sure where I'm going with this, but since it's my first piece of writing, try not to be to harsh. Also, I'm not completely sure if this is in the right section. It might be hopelessly lost. I am a little disoriented here. But anyway. Read it pleaseeee.

Laughter and snapshot flashes. Confetti and spilled punch all over, fruity and sweet, with the strong scent of Dior Addict 2 and Chanel no. 5 in the air. Lipstick kisses on cute boys's cheeks, and shiny pink dresses paired with matching purses. That's right. Ashlie Guccini was at her final eighth grade dance. A girl with long shiny blonde hair flipped her glossy mane over her back. She laughed, showing her pearly white perfect teeth, and put her arm around her best friend, Bridgitte. Bridgitte smiled sexily and snapped a picture with her bright pink Motorola Razr. They laughed as they looked at the picture, then flirtily said goodbye to their handsome dates. The attractive duo walked cooly to the hotel exit, showing off their tanned legs in their high heeled Manolo Blahniks and chic Cavalli dresses. Ashlie Guccini looked enviously at them, thinking about her own pale flabby legs, her k-mart dress, her Payless shoes. Bridgitte loudly "whispered" to her friend:

"Kaitlinn, look at that fuckin' geek... Why did she even come, not like anyone wants to dance with her..."

Kaitlinn, the blonde, laughed and smilied bitchily at Ashlie. Kaitlinn and Bridgitte air-kissed a couple people, and so many of their friends camera flashes went off it looked like the red carpet. They slid through the exit gracefully as Ashlie sat there, trying not to cry. The party went on. Lorraine and Catherine (Ashlie's two best friends) came and sat next to her a few minutes later. "Hey Ash... you doin' okay? You seem pretty down," Catherine asked sweetly. Lorraine patted her on the back. "Yeah, did Bridgitte and Kaitlinn say anything? 'Cuz who cares what those biatches say! You're waaaaaaaaaaaaay cooler than them any day!" Ashlie looked up through her sad, tired lids at her friend's encouraging smiles, and knew they really did mean it. But she knew that she wasn't cool, that she was a freak and a geek and a hideous nerd, just like Catherine and Lorrie. She forced a wavering smile, and said "Thanks guys... you're right. I shouldn't care what they think." Lorraine and Catherine looked at each other in relief. "No prob. C'mon... let's blow this popsicle stand!" said Catherine loudly. Lorraine laughed at her weird saying (she had many of them) and linked arms with her best friends. Ashlie faked laughing too, but didn't think it was funny. She was embarrassed for Caty, who thought her weird sayings were funny and unique, when in reality, they just made her look like a loser. They strolled out of the doors, talking about things that didn't matter to Ashlie at all. She realized now exactly what she wanted: to be liked. To be one of those girls, who had unlimited friends and gorgeous hair, with a cute boy hanging on each of her sides. To be one of "the beautiful people" of Oceanview Middle School. Or Oceanview High. It was too late to be an 8th grade It girl, but she had plenty of time until 9th grade began, and then? She could start over.

I just read my story over, and it seems kind of.... bland and shallow. I'm not meaning for it to be like that, so I am welcome to any sort of KIND suggestions. Thankies.


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Wed Oct 25, 2006 5:49 am



thanks for the feedback. so far in the plot, it is very sterotypical, but the rest of where i'm going is so, so far from there... when i was planning how i was going to end it, one of my ideas was one of the supporting characters pulling a "columbine" type thing... seeing that and the intro seems kind of out of place, but i'm thinking of easing it into "that kind of story". in the end, i decided not to go with the shooting thing, but the ending is SOOOOOO far from "immature" or "stereotypical" that it's not even funny. what do you mean by "seems a bit middle school are fine"?




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Tue Oct 24, 2006 10:42 pm
pandoraswritings wrote a review...



You use a lot of adjectives. (not a bad thing, just pointing it out.)
I like your story, but it seems a bit middle school are fine, but the way you word it to make it seem so stereotypical seems very immature.
Pandora

P.S: Late welcome to TYWS.




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Sat Oct 21, 2006 2:31 am



Here's Version 2.0... I don't know if this is more rushed or less rushed, and I tried my best to make it more visible, and I based a part of it on something that happened to me once. Be as harsh as you want on this one, I want to know if it sucks and I should go back to the first version.

Laughter and snapshot flashes. Confetti and spilled punch all over, fruity and sweet, with the strong scent of Dior Addict 2 and Chanel no. 5 in the air. Lipstick kisses on cute boys's cheeks, and shiny pink dresses paired with matching purses. That's right. It was Oceanview Middle's final eighth grade dance. A girl with long shiny blonde hair, Kaitlin Sloan, flipped her glossy mane over her back. She laughed, showing her pearly white perfect teeth, and put her arm around her best friend, Bridget DeLuisa. Bridget smiled sexily and snapped a picture with her bright pink Motorola Razr. They laughed as they looked at the picture, then flirtily said goodbye to their handsome dates. The attractive duo walked cooly to the hotel exit, showing off their tanned legs in their high heeled Manolo Blahniks and chic Cavalli dresses. Ashlie Guccini looked enviously at them, thinking about her own pale flabby legs, her k-mart dress, her Payless shoes. Bridget loudly "whispered" to her friend:
"Why did she even come? It's not like anyone wants to dance with her..."
Kaitlin and Bridget cackled while Ashlie lowered her eyes. What could she say... Ashlie wasn't dumb, but when she was put on the spot like this her mind stopped working. After a few moments of her sitting there awkwardly as the girls laughed, two more beautiful girls waltzed over to the gorgeous duo. Britney Fekkai and Cristal Jolie grabbed Kaitlin and Bridget into huge hugs. Ashlie breathed a sigh of relief: she was forgotten. Or so she thought. They huddled into a circle and laughed about something, then slowly made their way over to where Ashlie was sitting. Britney casually took a seat next to her and said "Hey best friend." she paused for laughter, and then continued on. Ashlie's heart was beating up into her ears... the music's pounding, the lights dancing, and the crowd's chatter suddenly made her feel very sweaty and hot. She glanced up and around for a quick escape route, but found none. She braced herself for the worst, which she knew was coming by the girls condescending smirks. "So, anyways, what are you wearing?" Ashlie's confused eyes met Britney's vicious big blues. "Uhmmmmm..." she said, not sure of a good response. "No, seriously, what is it? I mean, it's not really clothes is it, it's so ugly..." Ashlie smiled nervously. "Don't just smile at me, answer!" she snarled as the other three laughed. Brent Weller, a tall sandy-haired boy waved at them as he jogged to the door. "Hey Ashlie... I like your... thing!" he said nastily. They were really cracking up now. "Just so you know, Ashlie, you smell really disgusting. Take a shower sometime, okay?" Britney got up, and they gracefully moved toward the exit as Ashlie sputtered. "I... I didn't..." she tried to say, but they weren't paying attention to her anymore. Cristal took one last photograph of them in front of the exit, and then the gym's doors slammed shut. The party went on. But not for Ashlie. Her stomach was twisted in a knot, and her face was permanently flushed. She got up and wandered blindly through the crowd to the bathroom, people brushing up against her and pushing her about. She landed in the air-conditioned bright white room, and to her dismay, spotted Sharifa Moore and Amber Carlile applying bright pink Stila lip gloss in the mirror. "She was so drunk, we literally had to carry her to the bus stop!" Amber said loudly. Sharifa laughed, and then they both gave Ashlie the evil eye. She nervously walked to the mirror and looked at her apperance. Her dark brown hair was messy and frizzy, the lip gloss she had put on earlier was disapperated, and she had a large swelling pimple on the tip of her nose. How attractive. She prayed to God for someone to save her, anyone, she was too exhausted to go through what had happened in the gym again. Luck was on her side that day, because her two best friends rushed through the door and grinned at Ashlie. "Caty! Lorrie!" she said in a relieved voice. Amber and Sharifa gave the trio huge sneers as they exited the girl's room. Lorrie waited until the door slammed shut before starting. "I saw you freaking out earlier... what happened?" she asked in a concerned voice. Ashlie sighed. "Nothing... just... you know, Kaitlin and her loyal followers were on my back about my dress..."
"Oh my god, Ash, I'm so sorry, but you know that you're cooler than them ANY day, right? They're just stupid beeyotches, and besides, my brother says everyone who is popular in middle school is unpopular in high school. Just ignore them, 'kay?" rushed Caty.
"Yeah, sure. I know," Ashlie agreed half-heartedly. She knew that those girls would ALWAYS be popular, no matter what. They had some sort of natural grace about them, a glow that made anyone who met them their slaves. "I'm just tired, you guys, do you want to go home?" she asked hopefully. "Uh... okay," Caty agreed after a pause. "Lorrie, are you okay with that?" Lorrie adjusted her black frames in the mirror. "I guess," she added. "Let's blow this popsicle stand!" she exclaimed cheerfully. Caty threw her short blonde bob covered head back and laughed. Ashlie mimed laughing too. Her heart wasn't really in it.




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Fri Oct 20, 2006 6:02 pm
Jennafina wrote a review...



Please add more paragraphs! It's so hard to see... *sob*

Anyway, this looks interesting, and I thought you had a good idea about how to make it original.

When the popular girls go and pick on Ashlie, it kind of feels like a sympathy ploy, like that's the only reason you put it in. Is it? Even if it is, it shouldn't seem like that.

I like your description, particularly of the popular girls with their cellphone. It seems real to me.

I don't really know what else to say, but if you continue this, I'll read the next part. :)




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Fri Oct 20, 2006 5:10 am



I'm working on a revised draft: I took away the cussing, and I added a bit where more girls come and make fun of her, and I also added a bit about a party to make them seem a little less innocent, but left out any mention of drugs or alcohol. I'm pretty sure the new draft makes you feel a LOT more sorry for Ashlie, but about speed, I'm not sure. I'll post it tommorrow, and see if you guys like the old or the new better.




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Sun Oct 15, 2006 6:58 pm



OOOH! Yeah I just read Go Ask Alice for school, and it kind of inspired me to write this, but they're going to be pretty different.

Thanks for the advice! I might do the dealing drugs in the bathroom thing, but I was trying to keep that on the down low, because I wanted Ashlie to be kinda freaked out (at first) by the fact that they do drugs. But I probably should tweak it a little.




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Sun Oct 15, 2006 5:07 pm
Emerson says...



Well, I know what you're trying to go for, but you don't need to drop f-bombs. That might have an opposite affect, it may make you look bad.

Use actions, not language. Have the populars talk about a party they're going to after the dance where they are going to shoot some speed, within ear shot of our main character. Or she could wonder in the bathroom, and see someone dealing drugs to another girl.

I completely understand what you're going for but the cussing just took me by complete surprise and it really 'turned me off' to what I was reading, and I'm just trying to fix it up so it doesn't turn off future readers ;-)

This makes me think of the story 'Go Ask Alice' sort of. That was real rough around the edges too, maybe you should consider reading it?




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Sat Oct 14, 2006 11:41 pm



Cool. I'm working on my second version right now... This site is REALLY helpful!




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Sat Oct 14, 2006 11:37 pm
Cassandra says...



I know what you mean about making it original, but swearing definitely isn't the way to do it. A few are okay, but other than that, it just weighs the story down.

Though I do agree about eighth graders swearing--oh yes. I was just in eighth grade last year, and especially on the back of the school bus, that was just about all you heard.

I don't really have any suggestions at the moment, though. I definitely like that you're trying to make it different. I'll think about it, and if I come up with anything I'll let you know. :D




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Sat Oct 14, 2006 11:13 pm



Hey, thanks for the feedback. I am a new writer, and only fourteen, so I'm not the best at it... but the reason I used the cuss word is because... In a couple of the books that I've read and completely hated that have the same theme, with a nerd who wants desperately to be accepted, the characters are really... not how 8th graders act. Kind of innocent. 8th graders where I live date and do highschoolers, use drugs, curse all the time, and a couple of my friends have been pregnant or been in jail for beating people up, stealing, MC, etc., so I was trying to show that this story isn't going to be one of those cheesy ones, where the girl gets popular and has a little bit of gossipy drama, then realizes she's in the wrong place and gets out, while making "the popular girl" look bad. This is going to be a little more rough around the edges, and I don't know exactly how to express that it's not for 12 yr. olds without using a swearword... does anyone have a suggestion about this?




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Sat Oct 14, 2006 7:00 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



I'll back off on the grammar for now, you are fourteen :-D But the only grammar edit I have, is that when a new character speaks make a new paragraph, and split your paragraphs up better (on the site) for ease of reading.

The plot shines through as a good pop teen lit story, but could be slimmed down. Sometimes its rambling, and doesn't move anything forward. It think the best suggestion I could give to you is to keep in mind that everything has to push the story somewhere. another thing, the cursing isn't too nice, but I know eighth graders! Personally, to see curse words in fiction kind of turns me off depending on the context its in. Catcher in the Rye can pull it off, but eighth graders? Not so much. I think I started reading a story once and in the first sentence they used the word 'ass' and I put it back down. It just...didn't work, you know?

I think with some fine tuning, and practice, this could work out.




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Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:48 am



THANKS A TON! I think when I started this story I meant for Ashlie to be the blonde girl, but then changed my mind, but forgot to change the story. I will change that, and edit the second half. I definetly know what you mean, I feel the rushedness of the second half. If rushedness is a word.




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Fri Oct 13, 2006 1:31 am
Cassandra wrote a review...



The real problem with this, I think, is the pacing. It seems rushed. The beginning started off well: good descriptions, etc. But it seemed to speed right up from there, like you very much wanted to get this written and over with! Let me tell you, I know that feeling! Some of my first attempts at writing short stories, or "novels" even, I would be very interested in the beginning, but quickly get bored and want to wrap the whole thing up. But this just ends up making everything feel way too rushed. This is especially bad when the reader isn't getting bored with the story--only the author is! Then the reader has to feel rushed as a consequence.

Another thing I'd suggest is take a look at your characters. Pull out a piece of paper and a pen and write a bit about each of them and who they are. You gave one of your characters the quirk of having "weird sayings". That's a nice touch, and just what I'm talking about. Think about questions such as, Why isn't Ashlie content with the friends she has? What makes the popular kids' lives so appealing to her?

Princess Prettie wrote:Laughter and snapshot flashes. Confetti and spilled punch all over, fruity and sweet, with the strong scent of Dior Addict 2 and Chanel no. 5 in the air. Lipstick kisses on cute boys's cheeks, and shiny pink dresses paired with matching purses. That's right. Ashlie Guccini was at her final eighth grade dance. A girl with long shiny blonde hair flipped her glossy mane over her back. She laughed, showing her pearly white perfect teeth, and put her arm around her best friend, Bridgitte.


Here I get confused. When I first started reading this, I thought Ashlie was the blonde girl with Bridgitte for a best friend. It wasn't until later, when Bridgitte was making fun of Ashlie, that I understood who she was, and I had to go back and re-read. Instead of saying "A girl with long shiny blonde hair," try giving her a name right off: "Kaitlinn, a girl with long shiny blonde hair..."

Bridgitte loudly "whispered" to her friend:


THIS is where it starts getting rushed. Everything before this had a nice pace. But here, you seem to jump into the story too quickly. Take your time! You've got lots of it. :D




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Thu Oct 12, 2006 5:01 am



Thanks for the feedback. And I'll totally be sure to read the rules.

I know that this is really short, and it doesn't have a point, and the plot isn't obvious right now. It's barely even a chapter, sort of a prolouge, but I'm looking for tips on my writing style and details. If anyone has some hints, I would be pretty freakin' glad to take them...




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Wed Oct 11, 2006 11:31 am
Firestarter wrote a review...



I have rated your piece R. Please see the rules available in every forum or at The Infromation Desk for info on how to properly rate your piece. We have a large young audience and like people to know what they're about to read.

1. All stories and poems must be rated accordingly. If they have vulgar language, please rate them as 'R.'


This is Rule 1 of YWS Rules. Please go and read the Rules at some point, and this won't happen again!

Thanks.




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Wed Oct 11, 2006 6:38 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



Welcome to YWS.

I dont know about ''bland and shallow'' but it doesnt seem to have a point just now. You may want to expand on what you've got, develop a plot and all those other essentials then repost. Once you've done those things you'll be more certain of which forum this belongs in. Overall, this wasnt that bad in terms of grammar and spelling. Double space between paragraphs.

Well done, keep on writing.





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